The Gotham Witch Society

Another month….another Full Moon.

On this April 26th 2021’s Pink Full Moon just happens to be someone’s “Earth” Birthday who departed this realm, aka: Earth, on the Wolf Full Moon. I would wish him a Happy Birthday in Heaven but…

I really don’t know about Heaven, right now. If that’s where he is or IS anywhere. Still not feeling the AfterWorld/AfterLife/Heaven/Hell/Valhalla/Elysian Fields/purgatory….Spirit World.

Nothing. Is that a feeling or local? Asked me before 1/28/21….and I would have said….No, felt! Why, yes….He’s in Heaven.

My own personal Angel, Michael.

But, I don’t know. I keep looking for, yep! SIGNS. That he’s o.k. That there’s something after Death. Which in turn…will make me feel, no…know, I’ll see HIM again.

So far…Zilch! Very disappointing.

Yet, I’m searching. I’ll search until the end of my days. I need proof now.

But I rather be the one grieving than him. It’s like an endless feeling of missing someone every second of a day. I miss him. I rather be missing him instead of him missing me. I don’t think he’d handle it well. Definitely. I knew him all to well…I rather go through it, than him. That’s how much I Love him.

Until then….the Grief, continues. Grieving is hard. It never takes a break and if it does it’s fleeting. It stops you in your tracks! I could easily lose it. Mind, body and Soul. That’s how hard it is…Grief. I wouldn’t recommend it, people. But all will. It’s just my turn is all.

So…I’ll countdown these year’s Full Moons while in grief/Mourning. Until another Wolf Full Moon occurs, and perhaps….perhaps after that one….I’ll view and write without grief.

Until then….Happy Birthday, Michael. Wherever you are.

Not EVER did I think blogging on a Full Moon just to blog for fun on a schedule, for at least I can write once a month I said to myself , on a full moon…

Little did I know I would be grieving each time a Full Moon appears. I think I’ll be mourning on every Full Moon for the foreseeable future of full moons to come.

Today, 3/28/21, on A Full Moon, marks two months since my Michael left my world. I keep thinking he just slipped away or stepped out…to come back…I know, deny, deny, deny. I can’t accept no less…as they say, “No body, No Crime”?

Well, No Funeral, No Death. That’s what I’m saying. I’m one of 100’s of Thousands…thanks, COVID.

Last night’s pre-full moon caught me by surprise. As I no longer follow this year’s daily events of local & World current news or 2021 calendar. I’m still pretty much stuck in January 28, 2021. Everyday is Groundhog Day. As in the movie.

But, as I was in the bedroom, that I no longer have the strength to occupy….I was struck how the moonlight hit the bedroom floor. It’s empty. No bed…got rid of it, among other things, yet, I was compel to lay down on the carpet floor where the moon’s light shined.

Thinking…all these years. The Moon in all it phases shined. Right here in this spot, where HE last laid. Did he see and feel it? Did it look like this? I cried. I just laid there crying until I fell asleep. He loves the moon, As much as I did. Will it ever get easy to view our Moon? I think, not.

Two months to the day…on Full Moons. Torture! No wonder my mind plays tricks on me. Grieving and mourning…It IS brutal.

They say, Grieving is an illness. The Mourner is ill. Till when?

Seems until Forever. I wish this on no one. Yet, All will suffer it…one way or another.

Every Full Moon will be Bitter-sweet from now going forward. And, if I am able…I’ll keep blogging for the rest of the year under a Full Moon, that is if I Live through This.

Ah, SO…“ Dramatic”….I, know. At least I’m still, Something.

Until, the Next Full Moon.

I know it’s not your fault, Moon.

I find myself alone after 30 years of sharing you with my significant other. I don’t even know if he witness your last arrival on January 28, 2021. The Wolf Moon. His full moon in this World. Our full moon together.

His name…Michael.

We share a love for Full Moons. 30 years of Full Moons…how many altogether? 12x’s 30=‘s….360? Maybe, more? Give or take a Blue Moon here or there. I read once Normally Blue Moons come only about every two or three years & unusually two blue moons a year months apart, rare, can happen and does happen…2018? Why, the next time we get TWO Blue Full Moons in a year will be…2037. So perhaps we witnessed 15 more Full Moons in our 30 years together.

So…375 Full Moons, then.

Our Full Moon, The Wolf Moon, will always be bittersweet for me. He was with me until he was taken to the Hospital on January 28, 2021 at about 9:45 p.m. It was sudden. I didn’t get to say good bye. I still haven’t. I was told he slipped away at 10:11 p.m. An hour & 49 minutes until January, 29th…my birthday.

As of today it’s been 30 days since I seen him. 30 days since the Wolf Full Moon.

Due to COVID-19, I wasn’t able to see him, no viewing, no funeral, no memorial, no nothing. I haven’t yet accepted his leaving. I can’t even say it let alone accept it. To say it hasn’t hit me is putting it severely mildly. I’m left with guilt and regret. There won’t be any type of closure any time soon I feel. Closure?….excuse my language…but, what & where the FUCK, is that?

Here’s a fact. We aren’t even married. We proved the longevity of a “Marriage” without being married.

Decades of events that defines our co-habitation, domestic-partnership, Common-law…that the state of California does not recognized unless registered….ceased. But I don’t feel it. I can’t. He’s still here. To me…he is still here. Even though we weren’t married, now I wish we were, I would have a say, rights, as his wife…at least your mother stated to me SHE sees me as your WIFE..but, he always said…”it is, what it is”.

They say there’s steps to grief…I haven’t yet begun.

COVID-19 didn’t get you, Michael. You are always cautious. Wearing masks, staying 6ft. Plus away, washing hands & home…he’s the neat-freak of us two, but…COVID-19 surely affected you these last months and now it even affected your’s, mine’s, your family’s natural grieving period, more like stalled it. I know it has mine. And, over 500,000+ others in the U.S.A.

I suppose when this pandemic comes to a semi-close…I can start to accept your absence. Seems I cant yet. As if my mind can’t accept or comprehend….it impulsively shakes my head NO in disbelief. Literally.

I can’t seem to find any joy or whatever I once felt before January 28, 2021 at 10:11 p.m.

What’s surprisingly to me was my loss of Belief and Faith. On my Birthday, January 29th, 2021, at my age….after 46 years of believing…I lost my Faith and Beliefs. Just like that. Like a turn of a switch. If I don’t have that….?

I once believed in everything. God, Jesus, Heaven, Hell, yes…even the Devil, since I found my Higher-Power at 5 years old. At 8 I believed in ALL of that while I grew into believing in other beliefs and way of life that formed Me into the person I am now. I’m having a difficult time believing in an AfterLife as well. I’ll be seeking it again for the rest of my life. Long or short. I’ll be seeking PROOF of an After-life from here on.

Something in me has changed. Even though I sometimes don’t know what day it is, or what I just did or what I am doing, I don’t know what I even did yesterday, can’t even sleep with out sleep-aids…I don’t even know what I’ve done or how I managed these 30 days….without him. He is my other half. In the 30 years…only 9 months of those 30 years have we ever been apart. I revolve around him, and he revolves around me. You are my moral compass, my anti-risky-behavior mechanism. You are my survival-mode in life.

I wasn’t going to blog anymore. But, writing, has been my one and only solace. I’ve written but dare not read it. But…blogging? It’s instant, and in the moment, kind’ve thing. Solitary in a way. Who ever reads it…reads it.

I “hope”…there’s that word again…that I make it through this. I hope I believe what I believed once again. I’m lost. I don’t feel. I’m on auto-pilot…i like to feel again, to wage war , when depression hits. This pandemic World moves on and I do not. I am idle.

Eva Idol, that’s my name.

I’m use to a schedule. His schedule. Now I’m idling in slow-motion without feeling, without a compass or North Star to keep Steady, on course…truly, lost.

The only thing constant….you, Moon. Our Moon.

Michael, I don’t know if you knew…I called you my Eternal Boyfriend. Some Paul McCartney story I read that he called his wife, Linda, his Eternal Girlfriend, I like how that sounded, and saw you, even if we did decided to marry, always my Eternal boyfriend. I am most definitely your Eternal Girlfriend, & you weren’t kidding when you say I am the love of your life.

And, he…is mine. Now and always.

I wasn’t going to blog, anymore…but just like you, Moon, I have my phases, too.

Even though I am permanently frozen in your Dark/New/void of Moon phase….I am desperately trying to find my way through the Dark-side of the Moon and eventually unto your Moon-light and not at the end of a certain light at the end of a certain tunnel.

And, so….I end this entry with…It IS the little things that matter. And, a random “I Love You”, and just putting down whatever you’re doing and listen to your love one & if your gut instinct tells you something, listen.

And with that….

As Michael would say….see you later.

Eva B. Cazares-Carroll ~ 2/28/21

On the Eve of a Birthday….on a FullMoon. Truth be told…I wasn’t going to blog. Breaking my sort of vow to blog at least once a month especially on a Full Moon…but! Here I Be.

My mind is blank. As if 2020, THE year of COVID-19, has caught up to me and my mind is….spent. I was so ready, tho. Ready to pick up where I said I left off. But, no!

Which brings me to my Eve of a Birthday…..yikes!

Just last year around this time I was working, was thinner, healthier. Finally. Not the case this year. I suppose I am on some sort of auto pilot. How to break this rut…..?

Well. I go back to before 1995. A few years further.

My Father.

He had this sort of tradition/ritual that started a few days after a New Year and before my birthday of January 29th that I came to learn before my Pa died. In 1995.

He told me that he goes on a type of Fasting. A sort of sacrifice. Almost like Fat Tuesday before Ash Wednesday/ 40 days of Lent kind of a thing. YOU SEE….I, was born, or being born in a Breach position that endangered My mother and I. A Sort of life or death situation, actually I did die sort of, but, didn’t. Surprise, right?! Ok, so my father was told that, and made a deal with GOD. He said that the deal was that he would fast, give up, sacrifice, show his gratitude to God if We both survived. We both did. And, my father kept his part of the deal. Every year, around this time….for 25 years. He said it gave him some clarity. peace. A re-boot. A clean slate.

Through the years from 1996 to present I in a way continue his Deal with God. One way or another. Be it prepping for “Imbolc”, “Fat Tuesday/ Ash Wednesday” , and yes, my version of Lent….did I mention I was raised…Catholic? With Pagan/ Witchy tendencies, of course.

Anyway…Hence, blogging.

Thanks, Dad! For the reminder. I needed it. For tomorrow…January 29th 2021 is my Birthday. I will continue your deal until I am no longer here as well. And, I will find clarity, peace, and re-boot and start a clean slate.

Until the next Full Moon!

Well…here we are. The last Full Moon of 2020!

On this December’s Winter Full Moon….I reflect. What a year! It started out well…really, it did. I made no New Year’s Resolutions, been there, done that, for 2020. Didn’t even looked or used the calendars.

Something. Something was in the air that stirred me to write in a 800-page Colossal notebook that turn out to be the most consistent habit during this year of Covid-19. Little did I know that my first entry on January 1st. 2020 was just my little mundane day events of work…life…boring shit, ya know!

Then….March 16th 2020. The last day I worked. What was to be two week stay at home became as of this Full Moon….Nine months, 13 days…and counting. For it is now….a surge, upon a surge, upon a surge.

The Dark Winter is Here.

And, that brings me, today’s blog entry!

I am a creature of habit. An introvert. I LOVE my “Alone Time”, I could be alone and never be bored or lonely….an Aquarian. A Generation X’er. Need I say more? You be right! To come to the conclusion that I have been Surviving COVID-19 lockdowns/shutdowns/ stay-at-home mandates voluntarily or not…..just fine.

Years ago I read an article about Corona viruses. They been around since the 30’s. Seven so far, I believe, with COVID-19 being the worst strain. Who knew it would be the one to reach our shores and kill over 330,000 Americans to date that were ALIVE this time last year. And, it is not over. I never thought it wasn’t serious from the start. I wear the Mask without thinking about. I stayed home to save lives. Happily. I stay more than six feet apart. Wash hands repeatedly and due to my makeup artistry must do….I don’t touch my face or eyes….due to it! Full face, pandemic or no pandemic, as it was my livelihood. And will continue to with or without vaccination until we can live with it or eradicate it. With a cure.

Until then….I will take the lessons I learned, oh, wait! I should mention…this is not my first “Stay at Home”. I now believe it prepared me for this.

Long story-short…..

I ended a twenty-eight year career. A life. I literally just walked out one Saturday, got up, fed up, telling myself….”I don’t need to be here” with that I stood up, collected my things, said nothing….walked out the door, and never looked back. 28 years of a life that wasn’t really mine. Others molded me and I went with it. It was never me.

Never have I done anything like that! Sure, in the days following, I did wonder….what did I just do?!!! Went through all the stages of grief. I had no safety net, no savings, no job, nothing to fall back unto. Nothing! Well, after I cleaned the whole house, twice, cried. And cried some more….it was January. 2019. I sat down one 3:30 a.m. morning, alone, in the quiet, before the world was awake…..At my, what I call, “Writing Altar” my “Sanctumn Scriptorium” , my sacred place…..I turned to my left and notice a book I bought in 2013.

Let me just say….that book? Saved me. It was, IS, a book that I have been waiting for this time of my life. Is all about Retreating. Sanctuary. Sequestering oneself to find yourself. Again. And, it involves….MAGICK!

And, so….I sequestered myself from Mid-January 2019, at my humble home where I woke up every morning to that book and read, wrote, study, but most importantly, found PEACE. For nine months. Just like these past Covid-19 months!

On, September 19, 2019, LIFE….interrupted my “Magickal Retreat”. I wished another year of it….no. Lie.

For me, these 10 months of this pandemic of 2020, was no picnic but due to my 1st “self-sequestered” at home experience I was able to survive it. Healthy and Alive.

Best part….I have that Colossal Notebook of 800 pages that I titled “The Coronavirus Diaries“ to look back to. And, also….my journals of those 9months in 2019 when little did I know that “Magickal Retreat” was to help me get through 2020.

Moral to this blog entry……be careful what you wish for.

As for me….2021 will be more homesteading, more nesting, more purging, and more Magick! I’m going to continue with this blog, and those 800 page notebooks merging 2019 and 2020 experience and perhaps make something out of it…..maybe, just maybe…..it will find itself in my “The Gotham Witch Society “ stories.

Until the Next Full Moon! 2021.

It appears to me I am going to be that W….Um, WordPress blogger, that might just blog once a month…On the Full Moon.

Very me.

Lots have happened since the last Full Moon! New Commander in Chief…1st. Woman V.P. …oh, yes….Oakland, CA came for House Trump! I’ll just leave it at that for I like to keep a Politic and Religion free blog.

But a Dark Winter is coming. As predicted.

Time to really hunker down. Sure, vaccines, are Coming….but, until then….I’ll be spending the end of this year of 2020, which I personally CANCELED….planing 2021. All the calendars have been ordered, very therapeutic in doing so….that’s Calendars with an “s”. I keep the mundane and the Magickal separate. I don’t know why…I’m just wired that way.

The Wall calendars, the pocket calendars, the Planner/Organizer/datebooks….a portable BOS as I like to call it! And, of course, my desk blotter Calendar. Funny, how I didn’t really use any of them 2020’s, self explanatory.

Which ones? Well, for the mundane of everyday life it’s the Whimsical Susan Branch! Especially the desk blotter. And, I like to use an 8x by 11 notebook calendar as well. And…the Magickal? I have this custom Oberon Design 3 ring black leather organizer of an Oak Tree cover that I insert THE “Witches Datebook” in, and The matching Wall calendar. I discovered….”The Witches Planner” in 2018….I like that black binder! I also have a few other fun ones that I am going to be using for a Special project in 2021 that might present itself on this blog.

To be honest…I have yet to find the perfect one. To fit my needs, perhaps I have to create one one day….”The Gotham Witch Society” organizer/planner/calendar slash everything! Until then those mention above are my go-to’s.

This has been an interesting year. A year of sadness and dread. Many didn’t make it to 2021 and we still have a bit more to go before we go back to Pre-COVID. Yet HOPE is on the way and I am going to see 2020 out by ushering 2021 with a new clean slate by way of new Calendars and Planners to replace the ones I didn’t even used let alone looked at since March. Oh, I have digital calendars and planners, my peeps! I’m just old school from Generation X tis all.

Well, until the…next Full Moon!

P.s. Wait until I bring up the Notebooks, the Journals, & Diaries! And, the Book of Shadows and perhaps a Grimoire or two.