Author: The Gotham Witch

Little did I know October 31st 2020 would be the last Halloween of many things…

The last of me. That’s for sure…

Of who I was….it took me exactly five years to catch up to time…from OCTOBER 31st,, Halloween, 2020 to today…October 31st. 2025…Oh, Halloween…I’ve missed you!

It was on a Full Moon on Halloween in 2020….i had everything planned…to write a blog under the “umbrella” , under the Title of “THE GOTHAM WITCH SOCIETY” about a certain adventure/“Retreat” I was to embark on.

I envy that “Me” of 10/31/20….and, I wish to SLAP that “Me” HARD of 10/31/20 “fucking lay off the phone/tablet/social media “, Me, put it down, you idiot”, ME!

“HE.IS.Still.ALIVE!”. “me”. Little did I know or little did HE know….we’d only have 89 Days together.

It’s True. When he said….”You’ll Miss me when I’m gone “. Michael… you were/are absolutely correct….Que the , SLAP!

“Words. And Music”. Not just a line in a movie….those two, “Words & Music”? Guided me…held me steady….helped me stay the course….while in the grips of GRIEF.

I wrote the day after his death. I’ve written since. Had I not have the writings as proof, I’d not believe how I had the state of mind to have done it! “who wrote this”? I said and still say as I read but a 1% of what I written. Almost five years….I didn’t know I had it in me.

The Music….? ALSO, came the day after he died. I thought…I’ll create a playlist of ALL the Music he loved, I loved, we LOVED…that meant something to him,me, US…

Which I did.

In the early days of Grief…I would shuffle the songs and say….”ok, Michael….what have you to say to me, today”. As if a song, its words, a word, the verse, the image of us singing to the song, our Sunday music sing alongs we use to have….would be a “sign” telling me….he was ok, are you still here? will I see again…are you in…Heaven?

Words and Music….did it work?

I’m still here.

And, so I wrote….here and there. At first a doodle, a word. A sentence, a paragraph, a page…pages. Of what….

Life. Death. Dying. Living. His…mine.

I gave myself a year to live through it…and, so I wrote….a letter(A,B, C), a word, a sentence, a paragraph, a page….and, that “One Year” of living through THIS…became another year and another….

And, so….on this 5th Halloween…I thought, HEY! It’s been 5 years….lets blog, again!

On a FULL MOON….once again! Surely, I can commit to that….?

Well….many things and not so many things has happened in these five years….things that would not happened had Michael not died.

And, there’s this new “Me”….whose going on that “adventure/Retreat”….that has been on Hiatus….I’ve started to “clear the Forest”….and, I can now see a bit through that Forest.

I think a can do another year….of writing. On a Full Moon or not….I’ve sat down with grief….and we’re co-existing. Grief, I hear it’s…LOVE. Where no where to go….

Until next time.

Happy Halloween!

This morning at 3:33 a.m. I caught a glimpse of a waning moon that was once a Full Moon, a Wolf Moon.

This morning’s glimpse of the moon was the only viewing of January 2022 Full Moon. I knew the day of the this years Wolf Moon…I just ignored it.

I could not bare to see it.

But today is January 28th 2022 and it will soon be 10:11 p.m. It’s been a year since the sudden death of my Life-partner/ Life -Companion, etc, etc, etc. On that 1st. Full Moon in January 28, 2021 I never would have guessed it would be your last day. It was hard. Very hard year.

Above is what I came to the conclusion of what my feelings thus far of his death, the person he was/is , what I have learned, or what I have learned about people, friends, families or just random people I met theses last 12 months. It sums up my grieving period of the 1st year of his death.

On to the 2nd year…I hear it’s worst than the 1st. Great!

That’s ok, as long as I grieve…he still lives.

I thought I had more to write about today. I guess that’s all I can muster up for today’s blog post. Yesterday was worst, today what’s been just.. sad.

Until next full Moon….?

I was fortunate to have found my Soulmate early in my life. On July 15th, 1990. I was 20, he was 28. He spent the rest of his life with me, which ended, on January 28th 2021, @ 10:11 p.m. An hour and 49 minutes before I turned 51 years of age.

It will soon be 2022. After 1/28/22, I will no longer be able to say that he was here this day last year. He lived only 28 days out of 365 of 2021. They say…the 2nd year, of a love one’s death, is the hardest…if that’s the case…I’m Fucked.

Covid or no covid, Pre- or – Post Pandemic, Endemic…Alpha, Delta…Omicron, and who knows…”Omega”, the “END-emic, to come…didn’t and doesn’t matter personally to me compare to what I witness on the night of January 28th 2021. And, the GRIEF, that followed and keeps on giving, it’s a journey, mine, and unfortunately, all will experience, one way or another…um, Pray…that you go first.

I guess what I am trying to do with this month’s blog entry is to record something I can look back to gage my Grief…of my, “JSS”, yeah, “Walking Dead” “Easter egg” , journey. And, what a Journey…it’s been! It’s maddening, horrific, humbling, one foot-in Life and the other in the the land of the Dead, yours…not theirs. And, you’ll seek their Ghost…even, signs. For how, in my case, how…after 30+ years, POOF!…that’s it?!

I envy a non-Dormant, in the Faith department, human being. That’s me, still..my Faith…dormant. It has not come back, fully. I was at -0% the day after he died…Now, 3%. Better than -0%. Did I ever truly believed????

Yes.

I remember. Thinking…no one, or anything, can change my mind, that there is a…God. Heaven. After-Life. Um, don’t let my blog name fool you, Since the age of…5 years old. what the Hell happened? I hope it comes back. Really, I hope it does.

Well, I guess that’s where , 2021 and I …part company. Another year. Another 365 days that I will be taking it one day at a time. I will say… to myself…Self, Survive. By any means necessary….in my case it will come by filling those 365 days of 2022 by filling the seconds, the minutes, the hours, the days, the weeks, the months, the Seasons…with a “Retreat” of the Mind, body, and Soul…a “ Retreat” experience that will appear , maybe, here in my blog,…perhaps, by doing this…I will find, my Ghost!

Until next time….

He was a Taurus. An Aquarius (Me) & Taurus…we meshed well.

Too well.

So well, he did no wrong, in my eyes. I was an idiot. And, I missed those wrongs, by “Missed” I don’t mean it in the “I miss you, I love you” way. I mean, I was “blind” I didn’t “see” had the “blinders” on, the wrongs that were…wrong. Actions. That could have saved me a lot of heartaches, this Grief…overwhelming sadness at the end. His end.

10 Full Moons now. I thought…ok, Grief, that’s ALL you got? I was doing well in the grieving/ Mourning department. I mean, when the Shock and Awe wears off, the feels come in. They did and they didn’t. I was doing well….so I thought.

This is going to be a short blog entry because I am now in the grips of a full blown depression in the making due to grief and everything that comes with it. So far it’s Full Force from the beginning , middle and…well, I guess I am in the grip of it’s END?

Doubt. It.

I hear it does not work that way. It could take months…years. Forever. To grieve your Soul-Mate. How does one survive this?! Now, I understand the term, “Died of a Broken Heart”.

So, this is how it feels. One foot in the Land of the Living & the other in the Land of the DEAD. Awful, after-math feeling , of having the one person you have seen practically everyday for 30 years, these past 10 months replaced with…this invisible- void space of what was once our life, now replaced with…Fear, anxiety, depression, hopelessness, confusion, overwhelming sadness, anger…Anger? Yeah, anger…wrath…within myself.

I have come to the conclusion that what I read about Grief is that It’s what’s left of LOVE. If I Didn’t love him as much as I did … I would not feel this grief, of missing him. LOVE.

So that’s my November 2021 Full Moon Blog entry. I can’t say it will be my last….

Oh, p.s. DEATH…you suck! YOU TOO,GRIEF!

Well, it’s my 1 year, 1st. blog entry Anniversary!

Never would I have thought October 2020 on one of two Full Moons in October would be my last with, Michael.

He never knew.

My attempt to blog about, anything. I certainly never would have imagine it would become a Yearlong blog “written” on each month on a Full Moon kind of a blog. It’s the most writing I’ve ever committed myself to write on schedule. Yeah…me?

I knew it was for something. I just had to create a WordPress blog! For what and why…I mean, it’s called the “The Gotham Witch Society“ blog for a reason…emphasizing the word “Witch” here….I had it all planned out in my head…to blog Magickally and Mundane.

October, “November” (Blue Full Moon on 10/31/20), and December’s Full Moon blog went with out a hitch in my bloggy mind. Re-reading them…I shake my head. I had Three months. Three Full Moons. With him, in the there and now…and, I wasted them!

I should have shared my blog with him. I should have talked to him more…I should have…many things, with him. Even on his, our last Full Moon…The Wolf Moon, the night he died…I “hid” my blog from him.

Why?

I don’t know.

I. Really. Don’t. know. Why.

It doesn’t matter, why, anymore. It has proved to be a tool in dealing with his sudden death and the Grief that comes after. That is still with me, and will continue to be with me, no doubt about it!

I have been surprised each time I look to the night’s sky…at each phase of the Moon…and, where there once was Love and Awe, at the Moon…I feel no Love or Awe…Sad. I seem to be less affected in the Grieving department when there is no Moon out.

These past October nights as the Moon cycles into it’s Full Moon phase I do feel a twinge of that Love & Awe I once felt with its bright Moonlight shining through each and all the windows of my home. Starting with the bathroom, the bedroom, the living room’s Windows, then to the last window, of our home…the Kitchen’s Window. Now, that’s where my, Love & Awe, of the Full Moon re-appears….

I see Michael there. All a-washed in the Full Moonlight. Glowing. Alive. Just like all the years he stood by the kitchen window, starring out, surveying, guarding as a Gargoyle, while rolling a cig, or puffing on his Viking tobacco pipe…maybe having a Midnight snack…just, drenched in silvery moonlight, all 6’1 of him, his once golden blonde now blondish silver hair highlights even more, and he’s not any the wiser….Me, watching him, taking in the Moonlight, Getting his Moon tan on…

Now, that’s, Love and Awe!

They are saying the October Full Moon, The Hunter’s Full Moon, best times to see this full moon is several nights in a row since it will be full looking from October 18 to 21. At Midnight…at it’s highest point. How…be-WITCH-ing…the Hunter’s Moon is the 1st. Full Moon to follow the Harvest Moon…both of these Full Moons are tied to an astronomical event, Michael’s & I favorite…the Autumn Equinox.

And, what we use to call…THE HALLOWEEN FULL MOON! When the spooky holiday is close upon us.

Ah, Halloween…2021. Perhaps, I’ll make a special blog entry, on Halloween….might do.

Until next time….

Missed it, by a week & a day. Blogging, on it…that is.

I almost gave up. Almost. But here I am…a week and a day after the Harvest Full Moon…on the 8 month anniversary, of another Full Moon.

Eight months ago there was a Full Moon, the Wolf Moon.

During that Full Moon I experience such a profound Loss of what was the other half of me. All the Full Moons that followed January’s 2021 Full Moon have come and gone. It’s not the same, I’m not the same.

I think when I can look at a Full Moon without Grief or sadness or visions, images that doesn’t trigger memories of January 28, 2021, around 9:15 p.m. to 10:11 p.m….that’s when I will know that I have reached a point of some sort of recovery…healing.

I remember that night. When I went outside, I thought the ambulance was still there, wasn’t. But, that Full Wolf Moon, was. I wondered if, Michael, saw it. Or, felt it?

I haven’t “felt” one since.

So…in my “grieving mind” I have been measuring my “complicated grief” that comes when you suddenly lose a Life-Partner of 30+ years who shared the same traits and loves and interests and oddities…as in, a Full Moon, and it’s Phases. I mean, he was Fishermen, a Gardner/ Landscaper/ Lover of the Seas and Oceans, a Nautical sort of type of guy. “A Man of all Trades, but a Master of None” he would always say. So he knew how mysterious and essential a Full Moon is.

And, to Die, on a Full Moon, on the Eve of my Birthday….Well, not really feeling Full Moons much as I once did. They are “triggers” now. They take me back to that night, under a Full Moon, A Wolf Moon.

Sad.

A Harvest Full Moon have always been my favorite. Big time! Last year’s was most Excellent! He was here. With me.

There was a time in our 30+ years together where we were separated twice one for three months and the other for six months, not by choice, but by necessity, and I consider that…not bad, for a 30+ years relationship if I say so myself…2011, was that six month, separation. Our first Ever…

And, for those Six months…we wrote letters to one other. He kept them. My letters to him. And, I found them, shortly after he died. Not only those but Cards, too. Cards I’ve given him early on our “Courtship” relationship…Valentines, Birthdays, Holidays…he kept them ALL.

It was not only those letters, but letters he wrote to ME, I found from 2011, were he was very homesick and missing home, me..that he wrote…Well, just lets say, it was about the Moon. He wrote, “We have the Full Moon, and it’s phases, even if we can’t be together, we can look up at the Moon, at a certain time, you & I, same time, and know I’ll be thinking of you, & you of me”.

Those letters mean so much to me. All of them. I can hear his voice as I read it in my head. “Words…& Music”….another story, for another time.

Anyway, I felt bad, not writing when the actual Harvest Full Moon was out and about, so…better late, than never.

Until the next Full Moon….

Oh, I kept his letters, too.

I knew a Fisherman who for the sport of it, and on occasion, to feed on… but, mainly…”catch & Release” ….who for as long as I knew him, would buy his fishing license in August. And, now I know…started fishing on a Full Moon.

He had the patience. I, did not. It was his thing, yet…I went, sometimes. He LOVED it. Just him, nature, his alone time. BoY, could he angle! And, he was in his element. Very respectful to the game, of angling. Only took what was right, and thanked nature, the Fish, and the “guy above” as he called “him”, for his catch. And, the ones, he didn’t catch to take home…he admired it, carefully unhooked it, kissed it and thanked it, released it back into the water.

Funny, how you missed the things, that is no longer. I miss and will forever miss him and his fishing stories. Him. Getting ready, his tackle box, and his poles, his bait, those little things, the name escapes me, but he had many…that he use to hook fish. I’ll even miss…yeah, the smell. Well, it’s the FisherMan, not the fish, I’ll miss. Missing.

Well, the Sturgeon Full moon, name corresponds with the Season happenings…that’s when the sturgeon season starts. It’s one of the longest living Fresh water fish and is extremely sacred…wise, symbol. A symbol of Self care. A reminder to take time to care and nurture yourself extra special.

Well, what a great reminder, as I mourn and grieve, now in my seventh month of this Fisherman I spent 30 + years with, Michael. It’s a good milestone, the August Full Moon, named after a fish that represents Sacredness and wisdom with self care to boot.

I feel it. This time of the Season. Not summer yet not Autumn feel…the Harvest. August….always meant to me…newness, a start over sort of feeling…a back to school kind of feeling. Remember that?

It’s the first feeling of hey, winter is coming….but, not. So pre- Game of Thrones…

It’s the feeling of Something “Wicked this way come….to me. Time to prepare.

But, this time….in Covid-19 time…going into, no…in a 4th surge…of COVID-19….without my guy?

I’m on my own.

Yet, I still feel him, still…pretty much feel that I haven’t grasped his Death. With all that transpired…and more to come…and, honestly…30 years with another is hard to come to terms with at this time and moment for me.

Yet, I am here. Still Alive. With things still to do and accomplish. And, these Full Moon blogs…read or not read…are reminders to me…as Michael, would say to “keep it moving“.

And, so…because I can still hear his voice saying just that…” keep it moving”….

Ok.

On this Full Moon named after a Wise and Sacred fish….I’ll take care of business, and care for my self a little extra, to prepare for what comes next….because, grieving and mourning ones life partner, is hard work and sometimes I forget I’m still among the living while being one of the living…I forget. Life is still going on.

Thanks, for the reminder, Sturgeon Moon!

Until the next Full Moon.

1995.

My First Intimate Death.

My Father. He was 58. Died of a different Virus. And, it was under a Full Buck Moon that we learned of said Virus that took him. A different time, a different story for another, you guessed it, time.

Each time around this time of year after July 1995…I, among some members of my family, get the “Phantom Grief” that lingers…starting around July 11, then peaking by July’s Full Moon, until August 4th, my Father’s Death Date…and wanes slowly but surely after…ending, say…August 8th, when he was lowered to the ground. It’s taking some dozen years not to notice, but I Notice. Especially, this time around.

Michael.

He was with me when all that went down, even got me my pure as white as snow kitten, “MaMa”, Gabriel, then…she was the size of the palm of my hand, a powder puff. She helped eased the pain of Grief until she died on 12/12/10.

That first taste of Death of someone close to me, of course , was different. This time around…this Mother-effer of Grief is intolerable. To say I still don’t believe it, it saying it mildly. With my father there was time to say “Good-by”, to prepare, per se. And, I was younger. Who believed in God, and Heaven, and an After-Life.

Six months. 7/28/21 will be six months. Sadly to still report…no Ghost. And, still, my Faith and Beliefs….Have. Not. Returned. Can’t move back, and…can’t move forward. So, still, One day at a time. Sucks!

I was reminded that funerals, memorials, services, burials, etc., etc., etc…are for the Living. You’re Damn right it is! And, I, among his family members, was denied one. I know for a fact…a certain dearly departed, would have wanted one. For us. Not for him, for us. Pardon, it’s my Grief, speaking. Why not…it’s all I have and it’s sticking around. Oh, well…could be worst.

I have much too say but not the concentration to do so. Only, my Moon app…reminded me of tonight’s Full Moon. So, of course…I had to blog!

Anything.

Hey, got a kitten! My sister…found her for me. “Magpie”! “Maggie”. Michael promised me a female black kitten, and her name was to be “Magpie”. And, Maggie. It’s a Rod Stewart sort of a thing….you guessed, another story for another time.

Here’s to hoping, Maggie…will do what my Mama, done.

Hey, maybe….Michael had something to do with it, maybe he….

Until Next Full Moon!

I haven’t been quite my self these almost five months of Grieving. There should be a Full Moon known as the “Grieving Moon” for they are all in my case…to when I don’t know. I almost forgot there was one today, June 24, 2021…and this Full Moon, tonight June’s Full Moon…last of 2021… a Super Moon “Pink Moon”…..er, Strawberry, that is.

Um, yeah…”Pink Moon”. I didn’t know my Full Moon’s names back then. I seemed to always confused April’s and June’s Full Moon names, habit.

You see……

I’m going to take myself back, to 1991. June 1991. On a Summer Full Moon night that appeared pinkish to me…maybe, I needed glasses…I did, but it had a pinkish hue and so…”Pink Moon”.

Ahhhhh, the 90’s……

I remember that Summer night with the Full Moon as if it was yesterday…that Summer night in my “back of the woods” N.California, the East Bay- 90’s…driving to San Francisco or Berkeley, to the Cafe’s or Bookstores one after the other or with any Luck the two would be one and the same…just my Bestie & I. I had this friend, who if it wasn’t for her I’d never leave my home nor experience any of those treks to The City-of San Francisco, as I did back in the day….none. Of. It.

Ah, I was so innocent back then…not, very…I was pining for and patiently waiting, hmmm…not the right words “patiently waiting” looking back…exciting, patiently, waiting…yeah, that was more like it! For what? For the Man, unbeknownst to me @ the time —I’d spend 30+ years with——so I guess those early 90’s days are “Pre-Michael” and I.

What’s a girl got to do while I wait until that Tall, Blonde, Blue-eyed with the deep manly voice, that sent my Boat-a-Sailed do while he gets that clue of my INTEREST in HIM….?!

Bide my time with my Bestie and explore the City, of course! My friend and I would go on little adventures….one of those circa 1990’s day exploring our own “backyard” ….San Francisco & it’s surrounding areas….Tiburon, Sausalito, the Presidio. Ft. Mason, the MoMa, Pier 29, or is it 30?…Alcatraz Island, Oh, no…never did experience that…so on, and so on….all the tourist attractions and not some, touristy…attraction. Ah, we were so young and invincible, so we thought. Not like these crazy days of today…or, was it? I’ll never tell…

Well, it was one of those nights in SanFrancisco where we did our thing, explore The City, on…you guessed it! On a Full Moon night. The Moon was a round! with a Pinkish hue to it. Hence, to me…Pink Moon. We had our Lattes and desserts at THE Ghirardelli Square while we just talked as we do about everything we early, very early, twenty-something year old females talk about….she of her Man, College classes, etc…and I listening as I do, under that pinkish Full Moon…listening to her, yet my mind was elsewhere….I, of course, had this HUGE crush going on, wondering “I wonder what he is doing”……”We are friends” I told my friend…but, my smile gave me away.

He was my friend. But…ok, the chemistry between us, was more than…friends. But, I wasn’t that kind of girl, you know?! I told my friend. I don’t know about him, but I am not in a hurry to find out…He’s going to have to “Court” me!

Yet…it was LUST at first sight for me! But, Hey, I like the “Chase”of it. Luckily, so did he.

And, so it was time to go home, my friend and I….my favorite part of the night….the long drive home while sitting in silence as she drove us home across the bridge into our “neck of the Woods” while the car radio played as I looked towards that Summer June Full Moon with that Pinkish hue, which I dubbed the “Pink Moon” as secretly or not so secretly thought about…Michael. And, how proper that the song playing on the car radio as we drove home with the windows opened, and the San Francisco lights behind us…and, that Moon, that Pink Moon that hence forth to me will always be the Pink Moon and every June since…but, Nick Drake’s…”Pink Moon”! Just like that commercial…many, many years later.

Here’s a secret….in the years after that night in 1991 of that Pinkish hue full Moon…I gave my Life-Partner a certain “code-name” that he and I shared for him….it wasn’t due to that Pink Moon, another story, for another time….So, Michael, Tonight’s “Pink Strawberry Moon” I’m thinking about you…just like I did 30+ years ago! Exactly. The . Same. Way.

I miss you, Nick!

Eternally your, Evie.

Wasn’t that just the prettiest Full Moon thus far? Pretty as a Flower, No? With an Eclipse to boot!

Ah, Flowers…that brings a memory.

1990. July…mid-July, I think. I was in a hurry for my 1st job interview…looking for the location of said job interview…I hurried, almost missed….no, couldn’t miss it, even if i tried. I’ve always been a back and chest kind’ve girl…and there HE was.

Said, back…facing me. Couldn’t tell the, ahem, chest situation. But, I had a side -view as I hurried past him, as he planted flowers for Summer. I can tell I already like what I saw, as did he…I caught him doing a double-take as I hurried passed him…Hmmm, I said to myself, with a smile.

Got the Job!

Now, I didn’t officially meet HIM, Until September…Labor Day. The boss was away and I was doing paperwork, when…HE walked in…it was Love, at first-sight!

How do I know? Well, it was like I was punched in the stomach, and all the air in me was let out! My tummy had that feeling…Like, that feeling, when you go on a rollercoaster, and…SWOOSH! Or, when riding an elevator going down and you feel that…SWOOSH, feeling. And, that was before he utter a word…he just causally came in, stood there…took of his Ray-bans…as said, “Hi, am Michael”. What a voice…I loved his voice, deep…manly. He had me at….well, you know. And, well, not to mention…he was…Tall, blonde, with blue eyes…didn’t hurt either.

Never had I felt that feeling…before, during, or after….nor, will I ever, again.

Soon after our first meet…we snuck glances of one another…flirting. Stolen glances…we became friends. For a year, But, what a year! For me, it’s the quality not the quantity…it was the, Chase! It took a whole year…to get together.

Flowers and Full Moons….Perfect!

Michael.

He was a Gardner/Landscaper/Maintenance/caretaker/carpenter/ecologist, my GreenMan….a lover of cats, a fisherman, A good man, with a good Heart, loved by many, and friend to all, a man of all trades, but a master of none…his words, not mine.

His LOVE of flowers & plants….a natural green thumb. He was in his element. I was fortunate to see first hand. I miss our walks as I quizzed him each time when we walked and encounter flowers plants, trees that he named their names in simple terms and also in Latin…so miss that so very much!

Michael, this Full Moon, with an eclipse to boot…I remember, You!

I hope, As I see it in my mind’s eye , that you are tending to the gardens in ….HEAVEN.

Until the Next Full Moon, all.