I know it’s not your fault, Moon.
I find myself alone after 30 years of sharing you with my significant other. I don’t even know if he witness your last arrival on January 28, 2021. The Wolf Moon. His full moon in this World. Our full moon together.
His name…Michael.
We share a love for Full Moons. 30 years of Full Moons…how many altogether? 12x’s 30=‘s….360? Maybe, more? Give or take a Blue Moon here or there. I read once Normally Blue Moons come only about every two or three years & unusually two blue moons a year months apart, rare, can happen and does happen…2018? Why, the next time we get TWO Blue Full Moons in a year will be…2037. So perhaps we witnessed 15 more Full Moons in our 30 years together.
So…375 Full Moons, then.
Our Full Moon, The Wolf Moon, will always be bittersweet for me. He was with me until he was taken to the Hospital on January 28, 2021 at about 9:45 p.m. It was sudden. I didn’t get to say good bye. I still haven’t. I was told he slipped away at 10:11 p.m. An hour & 49 minutes until January, 29th…my birthday.
As of today it’s been 30 days since I seen him. 30 days since the Wolf Full Moon.
Due to COVID-19, I wasn’t able to see him, no viewing, no funeral, no memorial, no nothing. I haven’t yet accepted his leaving. I can’t even say it let alone accept it. To say it hasn’t hit me is putting it severely mildly. I’m left with guilt and regret. There won’t be any type of closure any time soon I feel. Closure?….excuse my language…but, what & where the FUCK, is that?
Here’s a fact. We aren’t even married. We proved the longevity of a “Marriage” without being married.
Decades of events that defines our co-habitation, domestic-partnership, Common-law…that the state of California does not recognized unless registered….ceased. But I don’t feel it. I can’t. He’s still here. To me…he is still here. Even though we weren’t married, now I wish we were, I would have a say, rights, as his wife…at least your mother stated to me SHE sees me as your WIFE..but, he always said…”it is, what it is”.
They say there’s steps to grief…I haven’t yet begun.
COVID-19 didn’t get you, Michael. You are always cautious. Wearing masks, staying 6ft. Plus away, washing hands & home…he’s the neat-freak of us two, but…COVID-19 surely affected you these last months and now it even affected your’s, mine’s, your family’s natural grieving period, more like stalled it. I know it has mine. And, over 500,000+ others in the U.S.A.
I suppose when this pandemic comes to a semi-close…I can start to accept your absence. Seems I cant yet. As if my mind can’t accept or comprehend….it impulsively shakes my head NO in disbelief. Literally.
I can’t seem to find any joy or whatever I once felt before January 28, 2021 at 10:11 p.m.
What’s surprisingly to me was my loss of Belief and Faith. On my Birthday, January 29th, 2021, at my age….after 46 years of believing…I lost my Faith and Beliefs. Just like that. Like a turn of a switch. If I don’t have that….?
I once believed in everything. God, Jesus, Heaven, Hell, yes…even the Devil, since I found my Higher-Power at 5 years old. At 8 I believed in ALL of that while I grew into believing in other beliefs and way of life that formed Me into the person I am now. I’m having a difficult time believing in an AfterLife as well. I’ll be seeking it again for the rest of my life. Long or short. I’ll be seeking PROOF of an After-life from here on.
Something in me has changed. Even though I sometimes don’t know what day it is, or what I just did or what I am doing, I don’t know what I even did yesterday, can’t even sleep with out sleep-aids…I don’t even know what I’ve done or how I managed these 30 days….without him. He is my other half. In the 30 years…only 9 months of those 30 years have we ever been apart. I revolve around him, and he revolves around me. You are my moral compass, my anti-risky-behavior mechanism. You are my survival-mode in life.
I wasn’t going to blog anymore. But, writing, has been my one and only solace. I’ve written but dare not read it. But…blogging? It’s instant, and in the moment, kind’ve thing. Solitary in a way. Who ever reads it…reads it.
I “hope”…there’s that word again…that I make it through this. I hope I believe what I believed once again. I’m lost. I don’t feel. I’m on auto-pilot…i like to feel again, to wage war , when depression hits. This pandemic World moves on and I do not. I am idle.
Eva Idol, that’s my name.
I’m use to a schedule. His schedule. Now I’m idling in slow-motion without feeling, without a compass or North Star to keep Steady, on course…truly, lost.
The only thing constant….you, Moon. Our Moon.
Michael, I don’t know if you knew…I called you my Eternal Boyfriend. Some Paul McCartney story I read that he called his wife, Linda, his Eternal Girlfriend, I like how that sounded, and saw you, even if we did decided to marry, always my Eternal boyfriend. I am most definitely your Eternal Girlfriend, & you weren’t kidding when you say I am the love of your life.
And, he…is mine. Now and always.
I wasn’t going to blog, anymore…but just like you, Moon, I have my phases, too.
Even though I am permanently frozen in your Dark/New/void of Moon phase….I am desperately trying to find my way through the Dark-side of the Moon and eventually unto your Moon-light and not at the end of a certain light at the end of a certain tunnel.
And, so….I end this entry with…It IS the little things that matter. And, a random “I Love You”, and just putting down whatever you’re doing and listen to your love one & if your gut instinct tells you something, listen.
And with that….
As Michael would say….see you later.
Eva B. Cazares-Carroll ~ 2/28/21
The Gotham Witch Society 